Shattered!

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Over the last several months, I’ve been struggling with separation, bleak looking finances to the point where I lost my electric, water and car, and moving out of my dream home. Despite the fact that I have always known that God had greater plans for me; I still struggled with leaving mine behind.

Over and over a song kept playing on the radio, “Tell Your Heart to Beat Again,” by Danny Gokey. Each time I heard it, something really resonated with me. It acknowledged the brokenness and hurt, the loss and grieving that I had been experiencing. The very first words hit the hardest; “You’re shattered, like you’ve never been before. The life you knew, in a thousand pieces on the floor.”

The song doesn’t leave you hanging though. It continues on to speak of hope; the hope we have through Jesus Christ.  I could almost hear God speaking directly to me; “It’s alright now, Love’s healing hands have pulled you through…Cause love sees farther than you ever could. In this moment heaven’s working everything for your good.”

The chorus of the song, so bittersweet talks about closing the door to yesterday; “say goodbye to where you’ve been, you don’t live there anymore.” These words were particularly bittersweet because closing the door on a chapter filled with pain and stepping into “the light of grace,” is amazing. It is also, at the same time, devastating to say goodbye to wonderful memories and cherished dreams.

Over the last few weeks, this song has brought both tears and relief. When moving day became much more than saying goodbye to my home, marriage and fairy tale dreams, the song began to resonate even more.

You see, on moving day, my 15 year old nephew, whom I have raised since age 6, assaulted me severely and my life became a blur.

The physical pain was unreal! My eye was instantly purple and swollen shut. My nose bled profusely until I was vomiting blood. The swelling was so intense that blood seeped from the corner of my eye as it had nowhere else to go. All I could do was scream and weep. I attempted to stop the bleeding, unsuccessfully. I attempted to stop the pain and the fear, unsuccessfully. I attempted to comfort my shaking 6 year old, unsuccessfully. All I could think was, how is this ever going to be okay.

Despite my fears and negativity, at the same time as I sat in the ER with ice and gauze, weeping from physical and emotional pain, arrangements were made to move my belongings, care for my children and continue my medical care. God’s amazing handiwork got it all done.

Closing the door to the pain and hurt of this assault was definitely needed. And it made closing the door to my home easier too.

Following this incident was nothing but a parent’s worst nightmare; I  would beg and plead to have my nephew removed from my home so that he could not assault me or my other children again and so my children felt safe in their own home. The fight would be long and hard with charges pressed against me for abandonment, threats to remove my other children, and a possibility of losing my teaching license. It consumed my time and energy when I needed to be resting and healing. And when the fight was over and God’s loving hand once again provided, I once more felt as though my heart were shattered on the floor. I had raised this young man since the age of six, loved him and cared for him as my own. Tucked him in and sang him to sleep. Another bitter-sweet door to close.

And once more, I had to be completely shattered, while being pieced back together. You see my nose was broken in several places and the bones had been dislodged significantly. The doctor could not see the significance until he began his attempt to piece me back together. His report was very concerning but he managed to fix me up. After extensive pain medicines and more sobbing, I am able to rest and see God’s provisions in all of this.

You see, I now have a home, free of negativity and violence. I have a car, water, gas and electric. I have a job I can go back to, healed finances, food on the table that I don’t even have to cook and an enormous amount of love and prayers. (And my face is on its way to healing.) I personally had nothing to do with any of this. I gave it all to God and He gave it all to me.

A huge thank you to the friends, family, neighbors and complete strangers that were willing to be the hands, feet, ears and voice of God in my life as well as those that have kept me in prayer! I can only hope God can use me in a similar way to help others and that my story brings you hope!

“Let every heartbreak, And every scar, Be a picture that reminds you who has carried you thus far.”- Danny Gokey

Isaiah 41:10, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” (NLT)

Joshua 1:9, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be terrified or dismayed (intimidated), for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” (AMP)

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