Fully Broken and Fully Loved [Mom, don’t read this.]

It is so true the we can never truly be full until we are truly and fully broken.

All of my life I have been selfish and prideful. As a baby I knew my earthly father was
wrapped around my finger. I knew he would give me anything I wanted. And so began a life of never being told no. My mother tried her best but I shunned her and refused to hug her or acknowledge her in my life. I didn’t need her when my father was around.

Then, one day, my father was gone. Feeling alone and unwanted, I turned to my mother for love but she had none left to give. I was angry and mean and nagged my mother until she gave into my every whim. I never knew the sacrifices she made or the deepness of the pain she experienced and frankly at the time, I didn’t care.

[Mom, I told you NOT to read this!]

As I got older, the problems only got worse. I never owned the fault in our relationship but blamed my mother for never loving me the way she “should.” I grew to hate her and despise the very woman who gave me birth and sacrificed the world for me. The one thing she wanted in return was a hug and an I love you from her youngest daughter. This I refused to give and selfishly kept any form of love from my mother.

[ I know you are reading this mom and I do NOT feel any of this anger toward you now. I love you very much and am grateful for all you have done for me. Do yourself a favor and stop reading here  and know that I am just fine.]

Yes, I now see that this was wrong and have made some efforts to correct the wrongs of my past. I know my mother forgives me but, I cannot take away the years of hurt and pain. Our relationship will never be what it could have been.

Part 2: Never having learned the true art of love, I entered into a marriage that I doubtfully contributed much to either. The one thing I had to give, a knowledge of the one true loving God, I turned away from. During my marriage, I attempted to show love to my husband; unfortunately my only understanding of love was giving into every whim and so, I sacrificed myself for his love and approval. I even sacrificed my commitment to God.

I was so hungry to receive love, I became someone that I wasn’t and turned away from the loving arms of God my Father. I thought this love would sustain me but, instead it left me empty and seeking, expecting unconditional love from a human being that could never possibly love this way.

Missing the love of my Father in heaven, I became depressed. I no longer cared for my home or my appearance. I lost respect for both myself and my husband and he lost respect for me. Now as 15 years of marriage comes to an end, I must acknowledge that I have completely failed. I didn’t only fail my marriage but, I failed God. My fairy tale life which I attempted to portrait has come crumbling down around me in a heap of lies that have been told to me by others and by myself. I can’t help at this point to feel anything but completely broken. Completely, totally and utterly broken.

[Disclaimer: I am aware that the failure of the marriage is not solely my responsibility. My issue is not with self-esteem, rather with pride. In fact, until now I took none of the responsibility. My acknowledgement of feelings of failure is just that. It is the beginning of a process of healing which God has begun doing with me and for me. Don’t worry mom, it is just part of the process. See remainder of article.]

Part 3 [The best part]: It is here and now that the Lord my God has met me with loving arms wide open, It is here that He has chosen to embrace me and lift me out of the depths of despair. It is here that He fills my soul with love, joy and mercy. I am so  unworthy of His blessings, so unworthy of His joy, so unworthy of His love. Yet He holds nothing back from me. For His love and mercy are so great, they cover all my transgressions. It is here at this fully broken time of life, where he fully and completely fills my soul. For this I praise Him, gladly, loudly and proudly. For this I will both hang my head in shame and lift my arms is praise. Despite my unworthiness, He loves me completely and fully, adores me and calls me His own! Nothing can be greater than this! And for this, I will lift my head from the dust and walk proudly in His name as a loved and cherished child of God!

Romans 8:37-39 Living Bible (TLB)

37 but despite all this, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ who loved us enough to die for us. 38 For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels won’t, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep God’s love away. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, 39 or where we are—high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean—nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when he died for us.

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