So this morning as I was listening to my pastor speak about making hard choices and choosing to follow God, I couldn’t help thinking about how hard that really can be. Its so much more than just believing God is there and wanting to follow God. As I was listening, my mind kept going back to the first time I got out of my hospital bed, after giving birth to my oldest son. I kept thinking about how difficult it was and the nurses that helped me through that time. My firstborn wasn’t a typical delivery (not that those can’t be just as hard); and it also wasn’t what I had expected or prepared for, just as most of life isn’t.
My epidural wasn’t working properly and I could still feel one half of my abdomen. To compensate, the doctors kept moving me around and increasing the dosage. This eventually led to not being unable to move any lower extremities but did not ever fully alleviate the pain in my abdomen. Then after 25 hours of labor, the baby’s heartbeat started to drop and the doctor informed me that I would need to have an emergency c-section.I was afraid and couldn’t stop crying. It was the nurse that held my face and looked me in the eyes and told me she knew I would be okay because she had just been through the same thing. I believed her and for the next 24 hours I relied completely on the doctors and nurses to care for me and the baby. It was easy then because there really was nothing else I could do.
Let me explain; not only is a c-section a rather passive delivery but, from all of the medication they had given me to compensate for the epidural not working, I was completely unable to move any lower extremities of my body for several hours. It was long enough in fact that there was discussion of whether I’d ever be able to move them again. That being said, the anesthesiologist was feeling a bit upset at not being able to help me and, wanting to ease my pain, delivered on his promise to make it all better as soon as they cut the cord. So while I had to endure the cutting open of my abdomen and removal of a 9 pound 5 ounce baby boy; I never felt the remainder of the procedure nor did I feel anything else for quite some time. In fact, I remember very little for the next 24 hours.
What I do remember is not being able to transfer myself to the new bed, not being able to move my legs and waking up much much later than I should have with a pen and paper ready to sign for the extensive medical procedures they would have to perform on my newborn infant. I believe I stayed awake just long enough to sign them. Like I said, that was the easy part.
Eventually however; I stayed awake long enough to start eating and drinking what was brought to me and I even began refusing some of the pain medications they were pumping into my arm. I started feeling better and was able to move my legs! At this point, I no longer needed the nurses for all of my care. Then, it was time, to start doing things on my own. The nurses were there to encourage me, to make sure I was safe and to make sure all of my needs were met; just as God is there to care for our needs, encourage us and keep us safe but; some things I would have to do on my own.
The first thing I had to do was get out of the bed. Now, to many of you this might not seem like such a big deal and would not need much to prepare for however; had I not had the encouraging words of the nurse; it definitely would not have gone so “smoothly”. These words the nurse spoke remind me of the encouraging words of God. They were confusing, scary, refreshing and just right for the situation.
The first task at hand was to sit up. Easy enough? Well, the advice of the nurse was this, “once you start to sit up, DO NOT GO BACK! If you do, you will just have to start all over and you do not want to do that!” Truer words were never spoken! Sounds like great advice and makes perfect sense until you try to sit up after someone cut your abdomen in half! Needless to say, as much as I wanted to listen to her advice, as much as I believed what she was saying, I got half way up and the pain was so unbearable and the muscles just wouldn’t work and so, I started to go back. The nurse didn’t reach out and stop me, she didn’t pull me forward, she just gently reminded me that I was halfway there and with just a little more work, I would be up. So I reached down deep and found the strength to sit all the way up for the first time in days! Isn’t that just what God does for us. He gives us the wisdom and encouragement to do what we need to do. He stands watch over us and provides for all of our needs however; He gives us freewill to choose to push forward or go backwards and the joy and praise of accomplishing things of our own free will.
Just like in life however; the celebration was short lived as a new task was at hand. The next task was to get out of bed. Again, sounds easy enough, right? First the words of advice.
1. “use this pillow to press against your abdomen if it hurts.” Wait – what? Press against my tender abdomen with a rock like pillow to prevent pain? How is that going to work? No idea but, it did. God’s wisdom doesn’t always make sense but it always works!
2. “It is going to feel like your insides are going to fall out, but don’t worry they aren’t” Say that again? This is your encouragement? But isn’t that just like God to be completely honest and upfront with His advice. Doesn’t He lay out exactly how it is going to be, the good with the bad? He tells us exactly what we need to hear and not what we want to hear. She could have just said don’t worry you will be fine and let me find out the rest on my own but she let me know exactly what was going to happen and how to make it better, even if it didn’t make sense to me. I was faithfully obedient (with some reservation) and it paid off in the end. My insides truly did NOT fall out and yes it felt like they were going to but the rock pillow I didn’t believe in quickly mellowed the pain and I was out of bed. Only one small problem… I can’t stand up. I am in a squatted position, hugging my rock pillow and I just cannot stand up.
3. “that’s okay.” Seriously? How is it okay that I cannot stand up? “ It is okay! You will feel better after you get to the bathroom.” It IS ok, you WILL feel better. With that said, the final task is delivered. I am to “walk” to the bathroom. Now most of you have been in a hospital room, the bathrooms are not that far from the beds,right? Well, imagine being squatted on the ground, hugging a rock pillow with severed abdominal organs that feel like they are swinging around inside and in fact they just may be! I was tiptoeing painfully across the floor (ever try walking in squat position) trying to hold my organs in with the rock pillow. By far the hardest piece of the task but still it was ok! Not that I believed that at the time either!
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to walk to the bathroom and it wasn’t that I didn’t believe I needed to make it there. It just seemed like it would take forever; like the pain would never go away. Now maybe if I had had just a little more faith in what the nurse said about organs not falling out of my body, I could have walked with more confidence. Or maybe if she had held my hand or used a walker? She did none of this however; she had given me just what I needed and I made it there after what seemed an eternity but was probably about 5 minutes.
The nurse stood over me the whole time, ready in case of disaster and whispering encouraging words, although I cannot tell you what they were. All I remember is her saying, “it’s okay, just keep moving.” What else was I going to do? Could I stay squatted in the middle of the floor with a full bladder and wait for nothing to change? I could have but then I’d still be sitting there in pain with a very full bladder being jostled by the shifting organs.
Isn’t it the same with God? How many times has He whispered to us, “It’s okay. Just keep moving forward. I’ll be right here by your side”. How many times did it feel like it was an eternity before the situation got better but each time, it does come to an end. And in the end is victory. In the end, you wouldn’t have it any other way.
In the end, I was able to transfer myself to a wheelchair and eventually to walk down the hall without one. And at the end of that journey, I was able to visit my newborn baby boy in the NICU and eventually hold him in my arms. In the end, I wouldn’t trade one moment or all of the moments for anything else. It was all worth in the end.
That, my friends is how God works in our lives, even through the midst of pain and sorrow, He is right there with us, supporting us and encouraging us, ready to catch us if we fall and guiding us to freedom. The more we listen, the better off we are in the end. After all, How much longer would it have been if I had gone backwards again and again? How much longer if didn’t use my rock pillow? How much longer if I wouldn’t walk before I could stand? How much longer would I have waited for the joy at the end? So even when it feels as though it can’t get any worse, sit up, get out of bed and walk! Make the choice to follow the path God has laid before you! You will be glad you did!
Blessing Under the Rock 